Your ten-step guide to writing a truly... unique article about the bizarre creature that is woman. And 100% serious to boot.

At some point in your writing career, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll think it’s a good idea to write one of these articles. If you’re a guy, that is. By and large, female writers have better things to do with their time than obsess over their gender while playing a game, and tend to be into gaming because they like - how can I put this? Oh, yes, playing games, rather than out of a burning need to practice amateur sociology.

But never mind that. Here’s your ten-step path to success.

1. BE A WARRIOR FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS

Yes, you, sir - damn near all these things are written by sirs, any that aren’t can be discounted as a statistical glitch - are a champion of chivalry! Once knights rescued damsels on horseback, in shiny silver armour (actually, no, but never mind) - now you can get the same effect by complaining about Lara Croft’s chest. Which brings us to…

2. EVIDENCE A: LARA’S CHEST

This is your introduction; your jumping off point. How you tackle this thorny issue will affect the whole tone of your cutting article. Refer to “Lara’s chest”, and you sound debonaire and suave, aware of the connotations, yet subtly removed from them. A sly reference to “Lara’s boobs” and you’re with the everyman; casual, yet aware. “Lara’s assets” show you as a dispassionate observer of life’s rich tapestry. And “Lara’s back! And her front too!” translates literally as “I am a man with no sense of humour.”

Discussion of character should be avoided at all costs; fighting the objectification of female game figures by ignoring irrelevant details like personality, background, stance, objectives, voice work, dialogue, relationships, and all that other junk, in favour of obsessing over breasts. You know. The important things.

3. BREAK DOWN GENDER GAPS

It’s important to set the tone for your feature, and make it welcoming for any girls who happen to pick up a copy. Don’t worry that the tone is inevitably aimed at guys, and full of words like ‘we should’ and ‘female gamers are’. You can compensate by putting your words on a lurid pink background, and covering it with hearts and lipstick kisses. Puppies are optional. Pictures of attractive game groups like the Fragdolls are not. Find the photos with the tightest T-Shirts, preferably on a very cold day, and express your shock and outrage via the magic that is ‘the sardonic caption’. This should not stop this being the largest image on the page, preferably re-used throughout. Similarly, rather than using words like ‘gamers’, make sure to say ‘girl gamers’, or better yet, simply ‘females’. Nothing says enlightened cosmopolitanism like talking like a Ferengi.

If you absolutely have to put a picture of a regular female gamer, a thumbnail or something is perfectly acceptable. In no circumstances may you begin with anything other than a physical description, moving onto the actual ‘gaming’ part only as time permits - in much the same way that no write-up of Jonathan “Fatal1ty” Wendell ever goes without a discussion of his latest hair-style, or the pertness of his ass.

Wow, that’s not saying ‘us and them’ at all!

Oh, and always express at least some level of surprise - if only by feeling the need to point it out - at female gamers being able to play as well as the menfolk. You don’t need to hide it. As we all know, the railgun is powered by testosterone, but the memo about moving a mouse being entirely unrelated to one’s collection of reproductive organs has yet to circulate properly. Speed it on its way with some vague talk about multitasking. And something about asking for directions, because jokes aren’t sexist if applied to men.

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